Mirror, Mirror .... Svadhyaya

by S.L. Jordan

“I often stood in front of the mirror alone, wondering how ugly a person could get.” – Charles Bukowski

by S.L. Jordan

For the last two years I have been on a casual self-journey. EMPHASIS on "casual".

Solo.

Unguided.

In 2023, I declared that year the beginning of living an "open palm life". It was a term I coined to describe how I wanted to move forward in life. During this process I observed two major things about myself.

FYI about me: I am a collector; of books, pop funkos, patches, pins, barbies, and lots of other things. People included. "I can use this for something else later" became a motto of mine. People also included. For example, I would meet a man and feel a connection or spark of chemistry. When it didn't work out, IF the terms were amicable, I would find another "slot" for them in my life. And sometimes, that slot was to was purely egotistical. Like the capacity to do so said something about me - that I was a good person, I still had value, something y'all.

Anything to not lose them. It truly unlocked my issues surrounding loss. For some reason, discarding of things and especially people IS hard for me. I could possibly trace those issues back to growing up with a Depression-Era Granny that grew up poor and Black in the South and found a way to reuse everything including plastic zip bags, or to experiencing death and being cognizant of WHO I was losing at an early age. I do know that somewhere along the line my own personal value had gotten intertwined with material possessions - no matter the brand. Simply put, I have held a white-knuckle grip on almost everything and everyone who has crossed my path.

It was getting pretty "hoarderish" 'round these parts, and I decided I needed to UNCLENCH my hand. Allow for things to flow in and out of my open palm. As easy as it/they/them entered my life, let it/they/them leave with the same ease.

Cue Lady Wray Pieces of ME.

Self-study doesn't have to come with a conclusion or solution, at least, not at first. It is a practice in noticing without initially labeling a feeling or thought any particular way. Long story short - ya girl DOES NOT have a solution, but I started an introspective process that helps me when to notice my "Loss" trigger is being pulled.

"What REAL purpose is this person/place/thing playing in my life?" Support. Love. Nurture/Nourishment. Companion. Comfort. Avoidance. Safety Net. Ego. [Etc.]

Let me say that again, EGO. Whew. Talk about coming face to face with the man in the mirror.

He is Me. I am Him.

It's too big (Big), it's too wide (Wide)

It's too strong (Strong), it won't fit (Fit)

It's too much (Much), it's too tough (Tough)

I talk like this 'cause I can back it up

I got a big ego (Ego)

Such a huge ego

Beyonce sang that for me, not Jay-Z.

What has changed since this observation, you ask? Thanks. Glad you did.

1. I don't shop as much as I did. I used to be a get it in every color/pattern girl. Collect the Glam-Aholic bag just to have it. I STILL SHOP - don't get me wrong, but its way more intentional now. I cut off my Amazon monthly subscription - more for integrity reasons, but it aligned with this new observation on my shopping habits. It's about quality, longevity, and need. The consumption has decreased, the value I placed on things that inherently placed a value on ME has changed.

2. I have invested way more in experiences, memories, and myself. Trips and classes. Exploring old and new hobbies. I mean, I got the extra cash from not using material items to fill voids. And listen, if you follow my IG you can see I am going ALL in on ME.

3. I didn't do a major sweep out of old folks; no talks were had to establish boundaries - I just reprioritized people in my life by the actual bucket they filled. Once I was clear on how I had been using their presence in my life I could unclench my hand. [Read that again - because a lot of the time it wasn't them, it was me] Let them settle with ease or let them leave with ease.

4. The connections I have made and re-cemented (is that a word?) have filled me with so much joy that I can honestly say if they were to leave my life, the grief wouldn't be as hard. Because the moment we had WAS A MOMENT, and I was in it and cherished it.

5. There is a clear difference in who you THINK you are and how you actually SHOW up or are perceived by the world. That line is often thin & blurry.

   
   

   My challenge to you:

   
   

   Use the next 30 days to do your own personal deep dive. Study yourself the way you would a new crush you wanted to pursue. Pay attention to the small details that you've told yourself make up "YOU".

   
   

   I did mention two major things I observed, but Google said I need to keep blog posts cute & short - even though, "My pen is verbose". Eh. That just gives me another topic to post.

   
   

   Until then,

   Meet Me on The Ma'at